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lee2308
Royal Python Moderator
United Kingdom
2597 Posts |
 Posted - 11/04/2009 : 23:32:51
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I would like to start by stating that theses are not my views so ladies,dont gang up on me,i have suggested a few to my oh  but she's not too keen on them
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Members map-------Want to be on the map?
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Ninja
Yearling
United Kingdom
103 Posts |
Posted - 12/04/2009 : 00:03:03
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| Haha, controversial :p |
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wolfspirit
Old Royal - I Post too much!
United Kingdom
5741 Posts |
Posted - 12/04/2009 : 07:36:05
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here you go Lee...lol
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"No one can go back and make a brand new start. Anyone can start from
now and make a brand new ending."
-- Source Unknown
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wolfspirit
Old Royal - I Post too much!
United Kingdom
5741 Posts |
Posted - 12/04/2009 : 08:06:33
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Advice From Women To Men
* The reason why our bras don't always match our underwear is because WE actually change our underwear.
* The next time you and your buddies joke about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet rim.
* If we're watching football with you--it's not bonding--it's their butts.
* Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the movie.
* Please don't drive when you're not driving.
* Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime.
* If you were really looking for an honest answer, you wouldn't ask in bed.
* The next time you joke about female drivers, research the number of accidents caused by rubber-necking mini-skirts.
* If only women gossip, how do you and your friends keep track of "who's easy"?
* Stop telling us most male strippers are gay: we don't care.
* When you're not around, I belch loudly, too.
* We don't mind if you look in the mirror to check your appearance – in fact -- please do !!!
* When you're out with us, please wear "our" favorite outfit rather than "yours" -- the torn jeans and dirty T-Shirt will last longer that way.
* If you must grunt in reply, please develop a system to indicate a positive vs a negative grunt.
* Don't insist that we "get off the phone" and then not talk to us.
* Eye contact is best established above our shoulder-level.
* Cleaning the house is not necessarily "women's work"; besides, most of the "dirt" and clutter is yours anyway.
* Yes, we know most of the great chefs are men, why is it then you never want to cook?
* We go to the Ladies Room in groups to talk about you.
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"No one can go back and make a brand new start. Anyone can start from
now and make a brand new ending."
-- Source Unknown
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Edited by - wolfspirit on 12/04/2009 08:25:44 |
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wolfspirit
Old Royal - I Post too much!
United Kingdom
5741 Posts |
Posted - 12/04/2009 : 08:23:31
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* How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? Both of them.
* How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
* What is the difference between men and government bonds? The bonds mature.
* Why are blonde jokes so short? So men can remember them.
* How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? We don't know; it has never happened.
* Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all have boyfriends already.
* What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow.
* When do you care for a man's company? When he owns it.
* Why are married women heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
* How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught fire.
* How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
* What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
* What did God say after creating Eve? Practice makes perfect.
* How are men and parking spots alike? Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely short.
* What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? They're married.
* Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?
"God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?
"God says: "So she would love you.
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"No one can go back and make a brand new start. Anyone can start from
now and make a brand new ending."
-- Source Unknown
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MissCat
Fully Grown Royal
1971 Posts |
Posted - 12/04/2009 : 09:45:42
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Edited by - MissCat on 12/04/2009 09:56:12 |
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MissCat
Fully Grown Royal
1971 Posts |
Posted - 12/04/2009 : 10:01:05
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MissCat
Fully Grown Royal
1971 Posts |
Posted - 12/04/2009 : 10:09:35
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I have a question, a very serious question actually.
When you first get together with a man, they are funny, generous, caring, protective, they listen when you have a problem, give you a hug when you need one, watch you while you sleep, are passionate, receptive, exciting, in short they lure you into falling hopelessly for them.
however....a few years down the line...
why oh why o why do i have to create an argument just to get a glimpse of the passion that was once there, do i have to fight to get a smile, sulk to get a hug, practically beg to be heard, the bedroom is for sleeping *ahem*, i can suddenly protect myself and fight my own battles alone, an "I" has been placed somewhere in the word "team" and somewhere along the line i turned into your mum?
i should probably shut up now or this could turn into a rant. :s |
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MissCat
Fully Grown Royal
1971 Posts |
Posted - 12/04/2009 : 10:18:51
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The Male Point System
In the world of romance, one single rule applies:
Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects...Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here's a guide to the point system.
Simple Duties:
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets(-1)
You leave the toilet seat up (-5)
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty (0)
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex (-1)
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom (-2)
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings (+5)
But return with beer (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something (+5)
You pummel it with a six iron (+10)
It's her father (-20)
Social Engagements
You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy (-2)
Named Tiffany (-4)
Tiffany is a dancer (-6)
Tiffany has implants (-8)
Her Birthday
You take her out to dinner (0)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
Okay, it is a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team (-10)
A Night Out with The Boys
Go out with a pal (-5)
And the pal is happily married (-4)
Or frighteningly single (-7)
And he drives a Lotus (-10)
With a personalized license plate "GR8 N BED" (-15)
A Night Out
You take her to a movie (+2)
You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called DeathCop3 (-3)
Which features cyborgs having sex (-9)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)
Your Physique
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say "I don't give a damn because you have one too" (-800)
The Big Question
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5)
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
Communication
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes (+5)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+10)
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep (-20)
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Edited by - MissCat on 12/04/2009 10:19:06 |
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MissCat
Fully Grown Royal
1971 Posts |
Posted - 12/04/2009 : 10:21:17
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i do have a particularly funny, yet scarily accurate one called "how to shower like a man".
however i cant post it on here (too rude) i will however email it to u if u want to hear it :) |
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matty18714
Royal Python Moderator
United Kingdom
2016 Posts |
Posted - 12/04/2009 : 10:29:54
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lol 
Lee, this thread backfired  |
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AddicksGlenn
Yearling
United Kingdom
388 Posts |
Posted - 12/04/2009 : 10:55:00
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| Game, set and match to the women i think. lol |
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MissCat
Fully Grown Royal
1971 Posts |
Posted - 12/04/2009 : 11:05:40
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Tips for husbands:
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.
BRAIN TRANSPLANT
At a hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
Surveying the worried faces, the doctor said: "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news. The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky, a you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. One man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more expensive?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and said to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've been used."
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Edited by - MissCat on 12/04/2009 11:06:32 |
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MissCat
Fully Grown Royal
1971 Posts |
Posted - 12/04/2009 : 11:22:26
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How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One-He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him. |
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lee2308
Royal Python Moderator
United Kingdom
2597 Posts |
Posted - 12/04/2009 : 12:02:02
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nver seen reply's soooo long,must of hit a nerve,did say there not my views,wish i never posted it now,i was only showing what things used to be like  |
Members map-------Want to be on the map?
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MissCat
Fully Grown Royal
1971 Posts |
Posted - 12/04/2009 : 12:17:20
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hehehe we know :D
we were just joining in :D |
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lee2308
Royal Python Moderator
United Kingdom
2597 Posts |
Posted - 12/04/2009 : 12:26:56
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| i think my favourit is "catering for his comfort will provide you with immense satisfaction" and "dont complain if he's late home for dinner or stays out all night" classic |
Members map-------Want to be on the map?
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MissCat
Fully Grown Royal
1971 Posts |
Posted - 12/04/2009 : 12:55:52
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| hehe it's all pretty classic :) |
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dazza
Yearling
United Kingdom
122 Posts |
Posted - 12/04/2009 : 13:03:42
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i aint getting involved
A- cos the mrs reads this forum
AND
B- im hungry and would like my dinner |
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Paulusworm
Fully Grown Royal
Azerbaijan
1550 Posts |
Posted - 12/04/2009 : 13:33:02
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| lol. You lit the blue touch paper didn't you Lee |
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wolfspirit
Old Royal - I Post too much!
United Kingdom
5741 Posts |
Posted - 12/04/2009 : 13:50:07
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Lee, you should know by now you CANNOT beat us...
lol
They had to create Eve cos Adam did not have a clue..lol..
Cat your brilliant..lol...
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"No one can go back and make a brand new start. Anyone can start from
now and make a brand new ending."
-- Source Unknown
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Topic Locked
